Tuesday, November 13, 2012

10 Seconds to Meltdown...

This is going to be a busy week, and today was probably our only "school" day. My sleep schedule is off which kills any of my intentions of waking up early and having some quiet time for myself to pray and read the word. Maybe the fact that it is Monday has something to do with it, but I've had a terrible meltdown. I blamed it on the fact that my kids can't focus, don't listen, and can't meet my expectations. And then, on the fact that I have too many expectations and probably need a break (and some earplugs).

When it came time for the boys' piano lessons, my youngest's lack of attention and his brother's "know-it-all" attitude had me in tears.

And I'm sitting here still trying to figure out WHY? Why am I having this meltdown?! Why do I need a break and it's only Monday?

I tried to text my husband about my frustration, but his attempt at comforting me with the thought of a week long break for Thanksgiving did little to soothe me.

I needed a break from being Mommy!

And then I felt the pangs of guilt for even having the thought. To make matters worse, voicing that thought had ended up in a war of words with my husband over the cellular wireless network. Now, 5 hours later, I'm sitting here, all cried out, listening to the sounds of my husband and our sons laughing while wrestling in the bedroom; wishing it was that simple.

Is it that simple?

Really, this whole thing isn't about my kids. Yes, our school day was frustrating, but when I don't make time to seek the Lord, pray and read His word, I'm sure I am much more easily frustrated. I think for me this is a lesson in vulnerability.

(Wait, did I say a lesson? What lesson did I learn from this? I just asked myself that question. Possibly that a wall leaves nothing more than something hard to run into for both sides of a relationship? Hmm...)

Let me explain.

The last two weekends the boys' and I have gone to visit my mom. I love being able to go home to spend time with her. While there the past two Sundays, we've visited a small church close to home that is pastored by a long time family friend. Growing up Catholic and watching my mom struggle to break free from certain Catholic traditions, to be able to attend a different church with her and see her engaged is a tremendous blessing. However, I, for some reason, lose that same freedom!

There are very little memories I have of being open and vulnerable with anyone in my family. It is a sad reality and one that has been giving me tons of grief lately. It affects every aspect of my life and my relationship with my heavenly Father.

Over the past few weeks I've wrestled with emotion and desire and watched as wall after wall came down in protection over the past years of a broken soul. I long for intimate relationships with my husband and children and a total abandonment of myself for God's glory. I miss the richness of close friendship with church family. I desperately want to demolish these walls in my heart but am too afraid to step out and allow the deep parts of me to show themselves.

I feel like time is slipping away from me. Midlife crisis maybe? Maybe its just the sway of this world and the times we're living in. Either way, I've wasted so many years hiding behind so many masks. Lately I've stared at the faces of who I've wanted to be. She's sometimes so different than the person that God created, the one who's never had the ability to surface. I've had to take responsibility for letting opportunities pass me by. And in God's mercy, I've been given opportunities to step up and walk in certain areas, despite how messy its looked because of my insecurities.

The biggest challenge is my marriage. It suffers so much because of these walls. Some of these bricks I'm put there purposely, others seemed to have placed themselves there against my wishes. But I'm praying that God crushes these walls and I'll have a deeper richness in my family relationships.

What does all of that have to do with my meltdown? Well...it's been all bottled up and shaken like a dropped soda can. I guess today I finally exploded.

God help me!!


No comments:

Post a Comment