What If We Really Believed

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Truly my soul silently waits for God; He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. (Psalm 62:1, 2 NKJV)

Gosh. Where do I begin? Today was a rough day. Actually, this whole weekend was and I can't even blame it on hormones.

Really, I have to go all the way back to last Tuesday night. Elijah (my youngest) had started to complain of a sore throat and had started to cough. I didn't make much of it, blaming it on his allergies, because my husband had been having some sinus issues. We had made plans to finally go visit my parents for the upcoming weekend and were going to leave after our homeschool co-op on Thursday.

Elijah came down with a fever on Wednesday and I sent an email to our co-op contact about possibly not being able to make it Thursday. At this point I still didn't make too much of things and was hopeful it was just a cold and would sort itself out. Thursday morning came and Elijah had no fever but a fairly bad cough. I packed our things anyway for our weekend trip and attended co-op. By the afternoon the fever was back. Deciding I'd better get him checked out before leaving town, I called his pediatrician to see if she could see him but it was too close to closing. The nurse referred me to an urgent care clinic nearby.


The clinic visit was quick. It is a fairly new clinic, very quiet and comfortable. We were the only ones there so we were seen right away by the Nurse Practitioner. She took his vitals and then tested him for Strep, which was negative. She ordered chest X-rays.

Chest X-rays.

I was nervous, having had to spend a week in the hospital watching Phillip struggle to breathe with pneumonia, i knew what chest xrays could reveal. Still, I was grateful she was thorough enough to have them done.

The X-rays showed "pre-pnemonia" and Elijah's history of asthma, or as she put it, "definite history of asthma." This put him at a greater risk of developing pneumonia. I was surprised. Elijah had never showed any signs that he struggled to breathe. I always thought Phillip was the unhealthy one.

When Elijah was younger, his pediatrician mentioned asthma to me when I asked about Elijah's sensitive gag reflex. He would often times eat and throw up. It would get especially worse if he had a cold. I was never sure how asthma factored into all this, but she told me that sometimes kids with asthma have reflux. I was sent home with prescriptions for Zantac and Pro Air. Neither of which I really had to use.

The Nurse Practitioner at our visit put Elijah on Amoxicillin, a steroid, Singulair tablets and Pro Air for emergency use. Before we left, she gave him some Albuterol with a nebulizer. I expressed my concern especially because of my experience with Phillip, and she assured me that he should be ok, but to come back if he wasn't getting better.

That night Elijah's fever went away and stayed away for the duration of his antibiotics. Our trip to my moms came and went without concern. Elijah's cough lingered but I gave him Mucinex with his medicines and figured all was fine.

Its amazing how much I tend to complicate things.

Thursday came and it was my turn to teach Science at our homeschool co-op. It took me forever to come up with a lesson and when I did, I never thought any idea was good enough. Nothing can ever be simple. This is a major obstacle for me and for faith. I muddled through it.


Friday night Phillip started sniffling and coughing. By this time I'm tired from stressing over the past week.

Mommas, have I mentioned how much I hate when my kids are sick?

Saturday the boys were going to have their cousin sleep over. Rick had planned to watch a movie with the family at home. I cooked a lasagna Friday night so we were having leftovers while the boys were going to have pizza.

I'm not quite sure what happened next. There was a flood of emotion. My feelings got hurt and I spent the entire Saturday in tears over something my husband said and things he had failed to understand. Maybe I was just tired. Just maybe.

Saturday night, Elijah came into my room. I could tell he wasn't feeling quite right. He'd been coughing a good bit even though he seemed to not be so congested. I walked him back to his room, prayed with him, and rubbed his back a while. I hadn't had to use his inhaler since the day I got the prescription filled but I wondered if it would help despite the warning not to use it too close to bedtime as it would raise his heartbeat. I googled when to use Pro Air and what the symptoms of asthma were in children.

It was a restless night.

Elijah crawled into bed with me after Rick left for work this morning. My alarm went off after about two good hours of sleep. I hit the snooze button four times.

Before breakfast I gave Elijah a dose of his inhaler. Something seemed a little off for him. He skipped Kids Church and sat through Sunday morning service with us. Rick and I were still tense from the night before.

Pastor Jonathan spoke on what would happen if we REALLY BELIEVED GOD'S WORD. This seems like a recurring theme for me lately, believing God is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do.

After service, while eating lunch, Elijah tells me he's cold and asks for a blanket. Momma's red flags go up. I lose my appetite and tell Rick if I check Elijah and he has a fever I am taking him back to the clinic. Panic is starting to creep in.

Is this a test? Did I not just hear Pastor challenge me to BELIEVE GOD'S WORD?

Elijah's temperature reads 102.6. When we get to the clinic it is 104.3. All I can think of is Phillips experience with pneumonia.

Dear God, I can't go through this again!

On the way to the clinic I force myself to pray with Elijah. "By Your stripes we WERE healed. (Lord I believe. Help my unbelief)". The whole drive there I catch myself trying to reason why I can believe God can and will heal my children instead of fearing I will lose them.

Reasoning.

As if faith has anything to do with my human understanding.

"I have to believe. God you bring death to life. You breathed life to my dark and dead soul when you saved me. Just say the word Lord and my children will be healed! Just SAY THE WORD AND IT WILL BE DONE!"

At the clinic I'm praying for a chest X-ray but none was done. I wanted to see for myself that my child did not have pneumonia. I didn't want it to be an issue of insurance and cost. I didn't want to be sent home like I was sent home with Phillip, only to have him get worse and need to be hospitalized later.

I've never had closure.

Strep was ruled out and so was anything tested from his urine. The doctor said his lungs sounded fine and a flu test wasn't necessary because "kids with the flu don't play around" like Elijah seemed to be doing after the Ibuprofen/Tylenol mixture that the nurses gave him kicked in. We were sent home to ride it out.

Sent home. No meds. No plan. Just "fever control."

My pastor said from this morning's message (I'm paraphrasing), "It's hard to have faith in what you can't see. It's hard to have faith when your finances aren't there, when the doctor's report is bad, when what you CAN see is contrary to Gods word."

Again, is this a test?

I know this seems small, and maybe it is. Someone, somewhere is going through something much tougher than this. But I'm sure the struggle of faith is still the same.

"But WITHOUT FAITH it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." (Hebrews 11:6 NKJV)

...but...

"So the Lord said, IF YOU HAVE FAITH AS A MUSTARD SEED, you can say to this mulberry tree, Be pulled up by the roots and be planted in the sea, and it would obey you." (Luke 17:6 NKJV)

I pray my faith is big enough.

Oh, and by the way, we are taking MONDAY OFF!  :)

Would you pray for me and for my children? Thank you in advance. Can I pray for you? Talk to me below and let me believe with you in prayer.

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